RIP Mike Penner
I am a transsexual sportswriter. It has taken more than 40 years, a million tears and hundreds of hours of soul-wrenching therapy for me to work up the courage to type those words. I realize many readers and colleagues and friends will be shocked to read them.
Those were the words of Mike Penner, a sportswriter, who was reported to have died on Saturday, due to an apparent suicide. Our thoughts are with his family and friends.
To be honest, I've never heard of Mike Penner until today. Didn't know who he was. But, after some research, I found about a spectacular, brave person. A person who struggled with identity. A person who was living in the wrong body.
"It came to the point ... even though you are scared to death, you have to try to change, because staying the same is even more difficult."
It would be improper for me to comment on what Penner went through, because I have no idea. It would be out of place. I do, however, respect Penner's decision. I applaud it. It's hard to identify who you really are. It's hard to live your life as that person, especially when it goes against the social norm. It's even harder when the person you really are is the opposite gender. There are questions. Answers may be hard to come by. And yet, Penner had the courage to do it, the courage to break out of his shell and become something that made sense, something that was real. Penner was no longer living a lie. Penner was his true self.
"Writing that piece, which I didn't initially want to write, ended up becoming one of the best things I have ever done. And a day I dreaded all my life has ended up being one of the best days I've ever had."
And yet, Penner is dead. Two years after Mike Penner became Christine Daniels, Daniels is dead. An apparent suicide. If it is a suicide, I do not know what the motivation was. But, for a person who seemed to feel liberated by the decision to change genders, for a person who seemed finally comfortable in their skin, a suicide is a shocking end to a brave, courageous life. It's a shocking end to a life mired by personal struggle, a shocking end to a life with personal victory. It's a shocking end. We can't know why Penner wanted to end his life. We may never know. But, the questions as to why are many. Why would someone, who finally broke out their skin, be motivated to end their life? We can't know. We won't know.
People have asked if transitioning will affect my writing. And if so, how?
All I can say at this point is that I am now happier, more focused and more energized when I sit behind a keyboard. The wicked writer's block that used to reach up and torture me at some of the worst possible times imaginable has disappeared.
Mike Penner, for all intents and purposes, was happy. Happy as Christine Daniels. Happy with a new life. Happy in his own skin. And then, just like that, that happy life is gone. That happy life is gone. And Penner was the one who took it away.
We can't know if personal demons still haunted Penner, the way they did before he became Christine Daniels. We can't know if personal demons still haunted Penner, and forced him to end his life. We can't know. We'll never know. All we have is a few select quotes from Penner. Quotes that portray a happy person, someone at peace. That person, sadly, is dead.
I don't know Mike Penner. I've never heard of him, until today. I don't know his personality, his way of living. I don't even know what he looks like. I do know that Penner is brave. That Penner is courageous. That Penner has strength that most of us can only dream of. But, as we sit here reflecting on a life too short, we have to wonder what went wrong. As we sit here reflecting on a life too short, we have to wonder what we could have done to help. As we sit here reflecting on a life too short, we have to search for answers, answers that we may never find. I don't know Mike Penner. I've never heard of him. But, I am grateful for Mike Penner. Because, hopefully, his decision to make public his personal agony might have helped a young, confused boy in Florida. It may have helped the reader in Wisconsin, who now had a new outlook on life. It may have helped the middle aged woman in Texas, who needed the extra push to become her true self. Penner's words in that column may have changed lives. It may have saved lives, even if it didn't save his. As we sit here reflecting on a life too short, we can only rely on the words of Penner:
This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Penner was talking about his transition to Christine Daniels, and the transition the readers would face. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Sadly, that relationship ended too soon. Rest In Peace, Mike Penner. Rest In Peace, Christine Daniels.
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